Hey there! It’s friday finally, the first day of my spring break. This break is very very very very much needed, especially following this week. Not only was it a stressful, frustrating, and suffocating experience, but it was a learning one as well! Don’t worry I’m not going to bore you with a rant about school. I’m not quite sure where to start… I’ll just list some things and then describe them later.
DISCLAIMER if reading about anxiety or body image is triggering for you please leave this page and go do something happy! Coloring books and crayons can help (as childish as it seems) or dancing to fun music or going for a walk in the sunshine, just smile my friend and I hope you are alright.
– I had a two day crush. TWO DAYS. That has to be some kind of record.
– I wrote one of my most pretentious pieces of writing.
– I found out I admire a commonly hated teacher.
– I (possibly) had an anxiety attack at practice but had to stay for another 20 minutes because I was so freaked out I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening to me.
– I actually added weight to my squat!
– My face is breaking out for no reason.
– One of the worst body image weeks of my life
Other than that it was a pretty normal week, and by normal I mean as awful as usual. (I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a junior in high school who can’t cope well with anything.)
Let’s start with the track related items. This week’s practice was an utter waste of time. My coach isn’t usual unreliable but this week he didn’t show up on time once. He had us waiting until 4:30 or 5 to even get started. Monday and Tuesday I left at 4:30. Wednesday he came, and we practiced throws and it was good, until I found myself obsessively staring at the clock and unable to catch my breath, soon I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all. I told my coach I was feeling dizzy, but in reality I feel like I was suffocating and the noise around me was wavering, suddenly loud or suddenly quiet. I had to stay and roll back the shot-put for one of the new throwers. I felt like I was going to die or throw up or collapse. I started crying but since I was at least 30 feet away from most people no one noticed, which I was thankful for. I’m not sure if it was an anxiety attack. I’ve had panic attacks many times, even once at school which was fucking terrifying. But I’ve never felt like this before, but it had a lot of the symptoms I get when I get overwhelmed or anxious, for example, not being able to breathe. So after that I skipped out on lifting because I could barely stand. Skipping made me feel even worse. It was hell but at least this time I wasn’t in the middle of a crowded hallway surrounded by my friends and peers and I wasn’t uncontrollably sobbing and gaspingly loudly for breath. (this time it was quieter gasps.) But I’m incredibly proud of myself for going back to practice the day after. And even more taking initiative and working while my coach was no where to be found. I did ten rounds of stairs and around 20 minutes of abs, then squatted with weight and benched. It was a pretty successful practice and *cliche warning* it taught me that no matter how bad your day has been, the next can be better.
Another event of the week was my school’s version of J-term. I had two classes that participated this year so I had two new classes. My first hour was Flash Fiction. This class was so fun and helpful with my writing, but for an assignment we had to turn in a piece of writing based on a photograph. One of the requirements was to have a “once” moment in it. We had to have a paragraph on the past in the middle, to add depth and entice the reader. When I was writing I blanked on what I could possible use as a memory for this story, so I wrote some crap about weaving oneself into the day, and personifying “days,” I said I wanted my days to dance with events. Then after a few overly dramatic sentences I wrote about a crappy car ride memory. It felt quite forced and ridiculous. My other class was taught by a teacher who I’d heard so much about, unfortunately not good things. She was pretty intense but she was also so insanely passionate about her ideas. She had this brilliant idea that we could send help to Albinos in Tanzania. It was an amazing cause but it got shut down. I felt so bad about it. She was discouraged but she didn’t give up! She was going to keep helping on her own and was going to send our cards and the few items we had donated to a camp in Tanzania. She’s an incredible person, and I’m glad I got to form my own opinion about her instead of hopping on the bandwagon and hating her for no reason. You should always think for yourself, and not just agree with everyone else. Sometimes they can be dead wrong.
This is a really long post oh my. I’m sorry you probably don’t care as much about my week as I do, but whatever there’s only about ten of you guys. (Thanks for following me btw!)
Next I’ll talk about one of the shortest crushes of my life. Actually, that may not be true. I’m not one to “like” people and when I do it’s usually for a very brief amount time. I did used to sort of like this guy, so maybe it was dormant? But I hadn’t talked to him in a while and we started talking again this week so my brain said “hey hey hey you’re talking to a boy hey hey think about that boy all the time now.” and I was like “shut up brain gosh you’re so lame you’re embarrassing me.” So after 48 hours of my brain saying “wow he’s so cute and nice” it started saying “yeah you have enough things to think about. Do you really want to spend energy thinking about a boy who gives you a millisecond of his day???” I kind of hate how I do that. It would be fun to like someone and not be lazy and actually do something about it. It would also be fun to like someone and not start talking myself out of it the second I realize I like someone. (I said “like someone” too many times in those sentences…) Maybe in college I’ll put forth effort to advance my love life.
I’ll guess the last point will be the most depressing one. My body image was so awful this week. Thoughts about how fat I am started to consume me and it wasn’t even when I was alone. I’d be in the middle of class and would start obsessing over how fat I looked and fidget like crazy, trying to find a position that didn’t make me look like a sack of lard. It got so bad that even when I was having a conversation I could only think about what they could possibly see. If someone looked somewhere other than my eyes I felt as if I was exploding, my stomach expanding, my arms swelling, my face bloating and the number of chins growing. It was horrible and it got really hard to just sit in class, trying to think about something other than my body. It gets hard sometimes but I know I’ll be okay eventually.
So this week was definitely a roller coaster. I’m glad it’s over. I grew this week. I learned that I could take initiative. I learned that I could push myself and accomplish what I wanted. I learned that I don’t have to listen to what everybody says and I can form my own opinions. But I think the best thing is that I learned is I can have a horrible, terrible, dreadful day but the next day always has the potential to be a good, hopeful, wonderful day. That reminds me of something Winston Churchill once said,
If you’re going through hell, keep going.
Don’t give up guys! Even if it’s the worst day of your life. If it is truly the worse day ever, tomorrow is guaranteed to be better. That’s just how superlatives work.
PS: I think I’m going to try and start a “quote-of-the-day-or-week-or-random-days-per-month” post series. It will get me to post more often plus I LOVE QUOTES SO FRICKING MUCH.